Unpacking Purity Culture #2: The Unseen Scars

Dear friends,

I’m going to let you in on a little not-so-secret secret.

I’ve only had sex with one man.

I know, crazy, right? But it’s true. Granted, we didn’t wait until we were married. Love and chemistry will do that to ya. But when I tell people that, I usually get a mixture of responses ranging from “That’s so sweet!” to “Wow, really?!” to “I don’t know how you did it” to a look betraying the fear-filled thought, “Oh no, is she one of those crazy religious chicks that’s gonna start proselytizing?”  

As a young adult, I could list a variety of reasons to those who wouldn’t understand the answer of, “because God says to wait for marriage”. They included fears of pregnancy, fears of getting an STD, not wanting the memory of having sex with a man other than my future husband, etc. But the most truthful reason is because I was told it was a sin and wasn’t God’s will for my life. God is God. He knows everything – including what’s best for me – so why wouldn’t I wait for marriage if He says that’s what is best for me?

And yet, I had this healthy sexual drive from a young age. But in the passenger seat of the car that was my desire was an ever-present judge. And that passenger wasn’t very helpful. Instead of guiding me on how to drive, who to let into my car, how to know if it’s the right time to pick up another passenger, or how to prepare for sharing my car with this passenger, this judge just told me to stay in the car with the doors locked and foot off the accelerator. Maybe I could open a window now and then, but…watch that it doesn’t lead to a door opening. Instead of actually learning how to use this incredible resource and gift of life safely, I was told not to use it at all (until marriage). And that command had heavy consequences.

The teachings of purity culture have woven themselves into the very fabric of many people’s psyches. These teachings, often well-intentioned, have left behind a trail of emotional consequences that can take years to fully comprehend and heal from.

Let’s explore them.

Shame: The Unwelcome Companion

Perhaps the most pervasive emotional consequence of purity culture is shame. It’s a heavy cloak that many wear, often without even realizing it. This shame isn’t just about sexual experiences; it extends to thoughts, feelings, and even natural bodily functions.

Shame becomes a lens through which individuals view themselves and their worth. It’s a distorted mirror that reflects back an image of unworthiness and contamination. What’s more, this shame causes us to push our experiences into the realm of secrecy out of fear of more shame, this time from external sources. But the land where secrets are hidden is fertile ground for shame to grow and conquer a positive sense of self. And it almost always does.

Anxiety: The Constant Vigilance

Alongside shame, anxiety often takes up residence in the hearts of those steeped in purity culture. It manifests as a constant state of vigilance, a need to monitor every thought, action, and interaction for potential impurity.

This anxiety can extend far beyond matters of sexuality. It can impact friendships, career choices, and even day-to-day activities. The fear of doing something wrong, of somehow tarnishing one’s purity, has the potential to become all-consuming.

Guilt: The Unforgiving Judge

Hand in hand with shame and anxiety walks guilt. It’s the voice that whispers, “You should have known better,” “You’ve let everyone down,” “You’re damaged goods now.”

And just like other emotional consequences, guilt isn’t limited to those who have engaged in sexual activity. Even those who have adhered strictly to the rules of purity culture can find themselves plagued by guilt over their thoughts, emotions, or desires.

The guilt becomes a harsh judge, condemning natural human experiences and emotions as moral failings.

Disconnection: The Chasm Within

One of the most profound and often overlooked consequences of purity culture is the sense of disconnection it can create – disconnection from one’s own body, desires, and authentic self.

Many individuals raised in purity culture describe feeling like strangers in their own skin. They’ve spent so long suppressing and denying their desires, instincts, and intuitive senses that they struggle to recognize or trust their own feelings.

This disconnection can lead to difficulties in forming genuine, intimate relationships. It can create a chasm between mind and body, leaving individuals feeling fragmented and lost.

Fear: The Paralyzing Force

Fear weaves its way through many of the emotional consequences of purity culture. There’s fear of punishment – divine or otherwise. Fear of rejection. Fear of one’s own desires and impulses.

This fear can be paralyzing. It can prevent individuals from forming close relationships, from exploring their identity, from fully embracing life’s experiences.

The Wounds of Expectation

Purity culture often paints an idealized picture of marriage as the reward for maintaining purity. This can create unrealistic expectations and deep disappointment when reality doesn’t match the promised ideal.

Many couples who’ve adhered to the teachings of purity culture find themselves struggling with intimacy issues in marriage. The years of suppressing sexual thoughts and feelings don’t magically disappear with a wedding ceremony. And that judgmental passenger in the car with you before maritally acceptable sex? He’s still there, an active participant in the marriage.

And so the presence of the judge and these unmet expectations can lead to feelings of betrayal, not just by a partner, but by the belief system itself. It can shake the very foundation of one’s faith and worldview.

The Path to Healing

Despite the deep and complex emotional consequences of purity culture, there is hope. Healing is possible, though it often requires patience, compassion, and professional support.

The journey to healing often involves:

1. Acknowledging the impact: Recognizing how purity culture has shaped one’s emotions and beliefs is a crucial first step.
2. Challenging internalized messages: This involves questioning and reframing the harmful beliefs instilled by purity culture.
3. Reconnecting with the body: Learning to listen to and trust one’s own body and instincts is an important part of healing.
4. Developing self-compassion: Moving from shame and guilt to self-acceptance and love is a powerful transformative process.
5. Exploring healthy sexuality: This involves learning about consent, boundaries, and what healthy sexual expression looks like.
6. Seeking support: Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, having a safe space to process and heal is invaluable.

The emotional consequences of purity culture run deep, but they need not define us. With compassion, understanding, and support, it’s possible to heal these unseen scars and cultivate a healthier, more authentic relationship with ourselves and others.

Remember, your worth is not determined by your past, your purity, or your adherence to a set of rules. You are inherently valuable, worthy of love and belonging, just as you are. The journey to truly believing this may be long, but it is a journey worth taking. My own has included the natural ebb and flow of the healing process and every moment has been a gift – a little stone I place beneath my feet that gives me the footing and courage to take heart and keep forging my path. It’s the very reason I’m here – joyfully serving others on their journey. 

So take heart, dear friend, because “out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” – Rumi