Unpacking Purity Culture #3: The Impact on love and intimacy

Dear friends,

In the garden of love, some seeds are planted with the best intentions. Yet, like vines that twist and constrict, certain beliefs about purity and sexuality can choke the very relationships they aim to protect. Today, we’ll dive more deeply into how purity culture can cast long shadows over romantic partnerships and intimate connections.

The Roots of Purity

As we know from previous posts, purity culture often sprouts from well-meaning soil. It promises a path to meaningful, lasting relationships and aims to shield young people from heartache. However, we also know its strict rules and black-and-white thinking can create a tangle of shame, fear, and unrealistic expectations that trail into adulthood like stubborn weeds. It teaches that sexual thoughts and actions outside of marriage are inherently sinful and paints sexuality with broad, damning strokes, rarely acknowledging the nuances of human desire and connection. This mindset can plant seeds of guilt that bloom into full-grown barriers to intimacy later in life.

Let’s take a look at how purity culture can impact love and intimacy.

The Thorns of Shame

We’ve talked about shame already. It’s one of the sharpest thorns of purity culture. When natural sexual feelings are labeled as dirty or wrong, individuals may internalize a deep sense of unworthiness. This shame doesn’t magically disappear on a wedding night. Instead, it can linger, making it difficult for partners to fully embrace their sexuality or express desires openly.

Imagine a couple, newly married, finally “allowed” to be intimate. Yet, years of conditioning have taught them to view sex as taboo. They may struggle to flip that mental switch, feeling guilty for enjoying physical pleasure or unable to communicate their needs and wants. The very act meant to bring them closer becomes a source of anxiety and disconnection.

The Withering of Self-Expression

Purity culture often emphasizes conformity to strict gender roles and expectations. This can stifle individual expression and authenticity within relationships. Partners may feel pressure to fit into predetermined molds rather than exploring and embracing their unique selves.

For example, women raised in purity culture might struggle to assert their own desires or boundaries, believing their role is solely to please their partner. Men, on the other hand, may feel burdened by expectations of constant sexual readiness or emotional stoicism. These rigid roles can create a chasm between partners, preventing true vulnerability and connection.

The Drought of Communication

Open, honest communication is the lifeblood of healthy relationships. Yet, purity culture often treats discussions about sex and intimacy as taboo. This silence can extend far beyond the bedroom, creating a pattern of avoidance around difficult or sensitive topics.

Partners may lack the vocabulary or comfort level to express their needs, fears, or dissatisfactions. Important conversations about consent, pleasure, and emotional intimacy might be stifled before they even begin. Like a plant deprived of water, relationships without clear communication can wither and struggle to thrive.

Speaking of Consent and Boundaries…

Because purity culture often avoids frank discussions about sex, many individuals enter relationships without a clear understanding of consent and personal boundaries. Some may feel pressured to engage in sexual activities they’re not comfortable with, believing it’s their duty in a committed relationship.

I once heard a nationally known Christian pastor, Mark Driscoll, seem to dismiss a woman’s sexual boundaries from the pulpit, “Men are highly visual and men want to see. That’s why a wife who won’t undress in front of her husband, a wife who wants to make love with the lights off in the darkness, a wife who won’t dance in front of her husband. He is not getting the full joy that he desires and maritally deserves.” This was followed by the comment, “Ladies, your husbands appreciate oral sex. They do. So serve them, love them well.”  While the desire for such interactions may seem innocuous enough, the phrasing has the air of manipulation. If you love your partner, you will give them the pleasure that is rightly theirs. It’s an example of disregarding, and potentially shaming, an individual’s comfort level in intimacy and is fertile ground for sexual unsafety. Not to mention it can be confusing for a woman to hear she must be completely sexually pure before marriage and then completely at the husband’s sexual bidding once married – when she may still feel “impure” for engaging in these new behaviors (desired by her or not). In order for sex and intimacy to be safe, everyone must understand each other’s boundaries and honor them.

The Fear and Paradox of Pleasure

Purity culture often overlooks a fundamental truth: pleasure is a gift, not a sin. Our bodies are wired for connection and joy. However, many individuals struggle to reconcile the idea that sex can be enjoyable and healthy with the messages they’ve received about its dangers or sinfulness.

This fear can manifest in various ways, from difficulty becoming aroused to an inability to relax during intimate moments. Some may even experience physical pain during sex due to tension and anxiety, creating a cycle of negative associations with intimacy.

When you’ve been taught to fear or suppress your desires, embracing pleasure can feel like a battle against your own values. This tension can lead to physical problems and create a cycle of frustration and disconnection. Couples may struggle to relax and enjoy physical intimacy because they’re haunted by the idea that it’s somehow wrong or dirty.

The Pedestal Problem

Purity culture often places virginity and sexual “innocence” on a pedestal. This can create unrealistic expectations and a fear of “tainting” something precious. Partners may rush into marriage before they’re ready, driven by a desire to finally express their sexuality in an “acceptable” way.

Intimacy isn’t a trophy to be won or lost. It’s a living, growing thing that needs nurturing and patience. When couples realize that their first sexual experiences aren’t the fireworks they were promised, disappointment and self-doubt can take root.

The Frost of Unrealistic Expectations

In tandem with the Pedestal Problem, purity culture often paints an idealized picture of marriage and intimacy, promising that following the rules will lead to a perfect, passionate relationship. This sets couples up for disappointment when reality falls short of these lofty expectations. The pressure to have mind-blowing, spiritually transcendent sex right from the start can be overwhelming, leading to feelings of failure or doubts about compatibility.

Replanting the Garden: Nurturing Healthy Intimacy

While the effects of purity culture can run deep, there is hope for cultivating healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Here are some seeds of change to consider planting:

1. Embrace education: Seek out accurate, shame-free information about sex, anatomy, and healthy relationships. Knowledge is power and can help dismantle harmful myths.
2. Foster a relationship with your body: Purity culture teaches the body is something more to weary of than to appreciate. Start identifying all the good things your body does for you. Notice how it speaks to you through sensation and listen to what its trying to say…to how it needs to be heard and attended to.
3. Practice self-compassion: Recognize that you’re not alone in struggling with these issues. Be gentle with yourself as you unlearn ingrained beliefs and explore new ways of thinking.
4. Open the lines of communication: Start small, but work on talking openly with your partner about intimacy, desires, and boundaries. Create a judgment-free zone where both of you feel safe to express yourselves.
5. Redefine purity: Consider what true purity means to you. Perhaps it’s about honesty, mutual respect, and genuine connection rather than a set of rigid rules.
6. Seek support: A therapist experienced in sexual and religious trauma can be invaluable in navigating these complex issues. Support groups can also provide a sense of community and shared understanding.
7. Celebrate sexuality: Work on viewing sex as a natural, beautiful part of the human experience rather than something shameful or dirty. Maybe you just notice when you feel a tightening in your chest or a knot in your gut when sex is brought up and simply move your attention to those spots and give them permission to release the tension as you breathe into those areas with love.
8. Embrace the journey: Understand that developing a healthy relationship with intimacy is a process. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you grow together.

A New Season of Growth

Unraveling the effects of purity culture takes time, patience, and often soul-searching. But with care and nurturing, it’s possible to cultivate relationships built on trust, open communication, and genuine intimacy.

Remember, true purity isn’t about adhering to strict rules. It’s about approaching love and intimacy with honesty, respect, and a willingness to grow together. By shedding the constraints of shame and embracing the full spectrum of human connection, couples can blossom into deeper, more authentic partnerships.

As you navigate this journey, be gentle with yourself and your partner. Each step towards healthier beliefs and communication patterns is a victory. Like the first tender shoots of spring, new ways of thinking and loving can emerge, bringing with them the promise of relationships that are both passionate and profoundly nurturing.

To those struggling in the shadow of purity culture: You are not broken. Your desires are not shameful. With time, patience, and perhaps a little help, you can cultivate a love that is both passionate and pure in all the ways that truly matter.

Final Note: When You Love Someone Raised In Purity Culture

For those of you reading this who were not raised in purity culture, but want to support your partner that was, here are some ways to be lovingly helpful:

1. Encourage open, judgment-free conversations about your partner’s experiences and feelings. Listen without trying to “fix” things immediately. Sometimes, simply being heard can be incredibly healing.
2. Take the time to learn about purity culture and its impacts. This knowledge will help you better understand your partner’s perspective and the challenges they face. You can read the other blogs in this series or even pick up one of the books listed in the first post of the series.
3. Unlearning deeply held beliefs is a process that takes time. Be patient with your partner and with the pace of change in your relationship and know that there challenges are not necessarily a reflection of their thoughts/feelings toward you.
4. Regularly remind your partner that their worth isn’t tied to their sexual history or “purity.” Celebrate the qualities that make them unique and lovable.
5. Be mindful of your partner’s comfort levels when it comes to physical intimacy. Respect their boundaries and work together to create a safe, comfortable environment for exploration.
6. Suggest speaking with a therapist who specializes in religious trauma or sexuality issues, but honor their readiness. Professional guidance can be invaluable in navigating these complex emotions, but it should be their choice.
7. Support your partner in exploring new definitions of purity that focus on honesty, mutual respect, and genuine connection rather than rigid rules. Expanding your definition of intimacy can include engaging in activities that foster emotional closeness, like deep conversations, shared hobbies, or acts of service for each other. 
8. Gently question harmful beliefs when they arise. Work together to replace them with healthier, more inclusive perspectives.
9. Share your own insecurities and struggles. This mutual openness can create a stronger bond and help your partner feel less alone.
10. If your partner faces judgment or pressure from family or community members still entrenched in purity culture, stand together. Present a united front that prioritizes your relationship’s health and happiness.

11. Develop relationship rituals that affirm your love and commitment in ways that feel
    comfortable and meaningful to both of you. Focus on what feels good and right to you both instead of what’s “allowed”.

    I hope you found this ‘episode’ helpful. 

    ‘Til next time!

     

    *Referenced in this post: Christianity Today. (2021, July 26). The things we do to women. The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill. https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/podcasts/rise-and-fall-of-mars-hill/mars-hill-mark-driscoll-podcast-things-we-do-women.html*