Unpacking Purity Culture #5: The Lost Boys

Dear friends,

In our increasingly enlightened era, we are realizing that sexuality, sexual orientation, and gender orientation are far more complex and nuanced than has been historically permitted. And purity culture, with its roots in patriarchal systems, has disadvantaged many. But what about those granted access to the top of the ladder? Those born with male sexual anatomy who identify and present as a heterosexual male? What about the boys who were forced into a role they wouldn’t have chosen for themselves and never had a chance to truly live?

What about the lost boys?

While talk around purity culture often focuses on the historical oppression of women – and in our current era, the oppression of non-straight, non-cisgendered individuals – the negative consequences do not belong to them alone.

In much the same way that purity culture assumes the weakness of women and their worth tied to their purity, it also assumes certain traits and roles for men. Those who suppress their natural traits outside of this ideal are viewed as fulfilling their duty well. While those who do not are viewed in a lesser light. To be clear, this post will focus on our typical straight, cis-gendered male and the particular struggles purity culture creates for this portion of our population. 

Let’s explore.

How Purity Culture Defines Masculinity

Purity culture, with its emphasis on sexual abstinence and strict moral codes, has a significant influence on how masculinity is defined and understood. This cultural framework not only dictates how individuals should behave sexually but also shapes broader ideas about what it means to be a man. Let’s explore how purity culture defines masculinity and the implications of these definitions.

1. Emphasis on Self-Control and Discipline

In purity culture, masculinity is often defined by the ability to control one’s sexual desires and impulses. Men are taught that true manhood is demonstrated through self-discipline and restraint. This ideal places a premium on:

• Emotional Stoicism: Men are expected to suppress their emotions and avoid expressing vulnerability. The ability to remain emotionally detached is seen as a sign of strength and maturity.
• Sexual Restraint: Sexual purity is a key marker of masculinity. Men are encouraged to avoid sexual activity before marriage and to control their sexual desires. Failure to adhere to these standards is often seen as a failure of character.

2. Dominance and Authority

Purity culture often intertwines with patriarchal views that emphasize dominance and authority as core aspects of masculinity. This perspective promotes:

• Leadership and Control: Men are expected to be leaders and decision-makers, both in their personal lives and in relationships. This includes a sense of authority over women and a responsibility to protect and guide them.
• Provider Role: The traditional role of the man as the primary provider is reinforced, with masculinity being closely tied to economic success and the ability to support a family financially.

3. Moral Superiority and Virtue

Purity culture often portrays masculinity as linked to moral and spiritual superiority. Men are expected to:

• Uphold Moral Standards: Adherence to strict moral codes, particularly concerning sexual behavior, is seen as a key aspect of manhood. Men are often judged based on their ability to live up to these standards.
• Be a Moral Example: Men are expected to be role models of virtue and integrity, setting an example for others, particularly younger men and boys, to follow.

4. Rejection of Femininity and Vulnerability

Purity culture frequently promotes a rigid dichotomy between masculinity and femininity, where:

• Avoidance of “Feminine” Traits: Traits traditionally associated with femininity, such as emotional expressiveness, sensitivity, and nurturing, are often rejected in the definition of masculinity. Men are encouraged to avoid behaviors or feelings that might be perceived as weak or unmanly.
• Avoiding Vulnerability: The expression of vulnerability or emotional need is often seen as a sign of weakness. Men are expected to be strong and self-reliant, maintaining a façade of invulnerability.

…so how can this narrow definition of what it means to be a man actually affect men? 

While you’ll find some of the effects are shared among all the populations impacted by purity culture, some seem to be particular to men and the role impressed upon them.

 Impact on Identity and Behavior

• Identity Struggles: Men might struggle with their identity if they feel they don’t measure up to these rigid standards. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and confusion about their sense of self.
• Pre-Marital Guilt: For men who engage in sexual activity before marriage, the guilt and shame instilled by purity culture can create a negative experience of intimacy. They might feel conflicted about their actions, which can affect their ability to enjoy and connect with their partners.
• Unrealistic Expectations: Purity culture often promotes unrealistic expectations about sexual behavior and performance, both before and within marriage. Men might feel they need to be completely in control and never experience sexual desire outside of marriage. Those who adhere to purity culture may enter marriage expecting sex to be perfect or to solve relationship problems. These expectations can lead to anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, pressure, and dissatisfaction when reality doesn’t match the ideal.
• Relationship Challenges: The emphasis on dominance and control can affect how men interact with others, particularly in relationships. It can lead to difficulties in forming healthy, respectful partnerships (even friendships) and can perpetuate unhealthy power dynamics.
• Objectification and Control: The emphasis on controlling sexual desires and adhering to strict standards can lead some men to objectify women. They might see women more as potential temptations or challenges to be managed rather than as equals to be respected. This can affect how they view and treat women in their lives.
• Sexual/Pornographic Addiction: While still complex and sometimes controversial, several researchers and experts have suggested that the strict sexual standards of purity culture may paradoxically contribute to problematic sexual behaviors. Including:
  • Shame and secrecy: Intense shame around sexual thoughts and behaviors can potentially drive them underground and make it harder for individuals to seek help or discuss their struggles openly.
  • Addiction as a coping mechanism: The stress and guilt associated with failing to meet purity culture’s standards may lead some men to turn to pornography or other sexual behaviors as a way to cope with negative emotions.
  • All-or-nothing thinking: Purity culture mindset can lead to a cycle of abstinence followed by binge behavior.
  • Lack of comprehensive sex education can leave individuals ill-equipped to understand and manage their sexuality in healthy ways.
  • Cognitive dissonance: The conflict between natural sexual desires and the strict standards can create cognitive dissonance, potentially leading to compulsive sexual behaviors as a way to resolve this internal conflict.
• Communication Challenges: Men raised in purity culture might struggle with open and honest communication about sexual and emotional needs. They may find it difficult to discuss desires, boundaries, and consent, which are crucial for healthy relationships. This can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in their interactions with women.
• Pressure to Conform: There is often pressure on men to act in ways that conform to cultural expectations about masculinity and sexuality. This can lead to a lack of authenticity in relationships, as men may feel they need to present a certain image rather than being true to themselves.
• Sexual Desires as Problems: Men might come to see their natural sexual desires as problems or sins to be controlled. This can create internal conflict and guilt, as they may feel ashamed of their natural instincts. Instead of seeing sexuality as a healthy part of being human, they might view it as something to be suppressed or avoided.
• Emotional Health: The pressure to conform to these standards can contribute to mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression. The inability to express emotions or seek support can exacerbate these problems.

So what is the path for men coming out of purity culture? If this is you, your journey toward healing is much the same as everyone else, and it can start right here:

• Learn to Express Emotions: Whether with trusted confidants or in a safe therapeutic space, you can learn and practice how to your feelings openly and constructively. By breaking down the barriers of emotional suppression, you can start to heal from the stress and loneliness you might be experiencing.
• Challenge Guilt & Shame: A big part of therapy is helping you understand that your worth is not tied to meeting strict cultural standards. This involves challenging and reframing the guilt and shame you might feel, helping you build self-acceptance and compassion.
• Redefine Sexuality: Therapy and education can help you develop a more balanced view of sexuality. Understand that sexual desire is a normal part of being human so you can approach your feelings without guilt or shame.
• Redefine Masculinity: Examining the origins of your beliefs about masculinity can be instrumental in helping you embrace the genuine fullness of who you are. Strength doesn’t come from masking our emotions, but from understanding and accepting who we are, the broad scope of how we feel, and respecting the truths within us and others. Maybe you even choose to forsake such binary terms altogether, opting for vocabulary that honors the diversity of the human experience.
• Embrace YOU: Embrace your true self rather than conforming to rigid cultural expectations as this can lead to more genuine relationships. Being honest about your needs and desires, and addressing any insecurities or pressures, can create a more fulfilling connection with others.
• Promote Respect and Equality: Engaging respectful and equal relationships can help you interact with women in a healthier way. This involves seeing women as equals, valuing their autonomy, and practicing open communication.

So, now we know. Purity culture can have the potential to oppress all – even those whom some would say seem to benefit from it most. But the truth is…no one benefits from strict lines and set roles. Everyone loses something they never agreed to forfeit. Even within the categories we create to make sense of the world and give it order, we have immense diversity. May you learn to know who you are, love who you are, and show up fully in the world around you – one scary, shaky step at time. 

And if you need help, may you have the courage to stretch out your hand, open you mouth, and speak.