Dear friends,
In our increasingly enlightened era, we are realizing that sexuality, sexual orientation, and gender orientation are far more complex and nuanced than has been historically permitted. And purity culture, with its roots in patriarchal systems, has disadvantaged many. But what about those granted access to the top of the ladder? Those born with male sexual anatomy who identify and present as a heterosexual male? What about the boys who were forced into a role they wouldn’t have chosen for themselves and never had a chance to truly live?
What about the lost boys?
While talk around purity culture often focuses on the historical oppression of women – and in our current era, the oppression of non-straight, non-cisgendered individuals – the negative consequences do not belong to them alone.
In much the same way that purity culture assumes the weakness of women and their worth tied to their purity, it also assumes certain traits and roles for men. Those who suppress their natural traits outside of this ideal are viewed as fulfilling their duty well. While those who do not are viewed in a lesser light. To be clear, this post will focus on our typical straight, cis-gendered male and the particular struggles purity culture creates for this portion of our population.
Let’s explore.
How Purity Culture Defines Masculinity
Purity culture, with its emphasis on sexual abstinence and strict moral codes, has a significant influence on how masculinity is defined and understood. This cultural framework not only dictates how individuals should behave sexually but also shapes broader ideas about what it means to be a man. Let’s explore how purity culture defines masculinity and the implications of these definitions.
1. Emphasis on Self-Control and Discipline
In purity culture, masculinity is often defined by the ability to control one’s sexual desires and impulses. Men are taught that true manhood is demonstrated through self-discipline and restraint. This ideal places a premium on:
2. Dominance and Authority
Purity culture often intertwines with patriarchal views that emphasize dominance and authority as core aspects of masculinity. This perspective promotes:
3. Moral Superiority and Virtue
Purity culture often portrays masculinity as linked to moral and spiritual superiority. Men are expected to:
4. Rejection of Femininity and Vulnerability
Purity culture frequently promotes a rigid dichotomy between masculinity and femininity, where:
…so how can this narrow definition of what it means to be a man actually affect men?
While you’ll find some of the effects are shared among all the populations impacted by purity culture, some seem to be particular to men and the role impressed upon them.
Impact on Identity and Behavior
Many of the men I’ve known have felt trapped by certain expectations placed upon them; or have been teased or ridiculed when they have dared to live authentically instead of forcing themselves into the cage purity culture created for them. Some may have been told “men are strong”, while others “men are fearless”. Some may have been rebuked for being overwhelmed with any emotion that wasn’t anger or frustration. The old adage “boys don’t cry” comes to mind. Some are plagued by feeling inadequate and emasculated because instead of making a living for their family, they are tending to their children. Even if this is what they want, it can be hard for these men to quiet the voices that tell them they aren’t fulfilling their duties “as a man”. Those with soft hearts and generous spirits, those content to let their partners lead, can be forced into feeling they are not enough. And each time they feel so, the world loses the light they have to share.
So what is the path for men coming out of purity culture? If this is you, your journey toward healing is much the same as everyone else, and it can start right here:
So, now we know. Purity culture can have the potential to oppress all – even those whom some would say seem to benefit from it most. But the truth is…no one benefits from strict lines and set roles. Everyone loses something they never agreed to forfeit. Even within the categories we create to make sense of the world and give it order, we have immense diversity. May you learn to know who you are, love who you are, and show up fully in the world around you – one scary, shaky step at time.
And if you need help, may you have the courage to stretch out your hand, open you mouth, and speak.
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